There are so many days that I often wonder why I hate love so much. Then I realized that it will always find some way to cause pain, and that is why I often hate love. Yet, the next day will be filled with so much love, coming from cracks of life and death, and deeply rewarding.
Even on those days, I still choke down all the different concepts and trials that push my ability to continue to love, unconditionally, and in love, go about my life. Things are so progressively different now that it makes even something as simple as defining love, the most exhausting task for the mind and heart to conceptualize.
In conversation I will find myself irritated with simplicity and superficiality and start looking for ways to duck out of it. It wears me down so quickly and the efforts of explaining the why’s or how’s go unheard. Or at least that is how it comes across to my brain. But to be fair, that was often the case prior to losing Archaea. It just wasn’t so quickly triggered until I became aware of how idiotically people will place importance on irrelevant issues.
I think that we all process each experience in life based on our previous experience or observation and that determines how properly on or how far off our rockers we sit. I suppose that is how one becomes the subject of analysis.
Those that are doing the analyzing are also the same ones that perpetuate the insecurities that creep up to the top for topical observation. That in itself is a fascinating conundrum and brings a grieving soul into the cycle of catch 22.
It is those moments precisely that will tell us how we actually facilitate or stifle love and what we are going to do with it again in the future. In situations like ours where you lose a child, you start to see things through such a darker red lens than the light hearted and free loving rose colored glasses. The vision becomes so muddled by the darkness that was once seen as love, transforming it all. It starts to blur together and that love,… turns into anger.
I often find myself stuck in thought, trying to make sense of anything at all.
Sometimes it all seems so clear.
The how to get through its… And that’s only when I’m trying to help my children work their issues out one by one. Even in those moments though, I can literally hear myself arguing that said logic does not in fact make any difference and in the end, it still hurts.
and in then end…
guess love is still unknown and the unknown is where the what ifs are and the what ifs always cause questioning and pain.