warning – possibly graphic and explicit –

my husband says i am doing well. i don’t feel like it.

but i more than appreciate his love and support…

you never know how much you love your spouse until you lose a child together.

you never really know what would cause you to crumble or become stronger.

i have never loved so much in my entire life the way i love now.

yes, i have my three beautiful children that uplift me and keep me going,

my husband is the one who gets me.

he is the one that somehow makes life a little more tolerable and keeps me wanting to live.

i owe my life to him.

my mom has been a solid rock for me, which i am so sorry that she even has to go through this too.

i mean, our parents lost a grandchild, that is no light task to take care of the falling apart souls all the while theirs are tearing too.

they ache each day also.

all the support from our family, friends, community,….

outstanding and has shown us the hearts of many, for which we are eternally grateful. thank you.

please don’t forget us.

please let others know that may not be online so that when we do decide to step out in public functions we don’t get people coming up to us asking where our baby is.

because she is ….

i hate life so much right now. i know its “normal.”

but that doesn’t make it any better.

i hate that my beautiful friends are bringing beautiful babies into this world, and mine did not make it.

i hate that i hate that.

i hate that i cannot find joy in their joy, but still i love them all so much.

i hate that my husband has to go to work and somehow be a normal functioning human while shit gets thrown in his face that make his heart ache. i hate that i am so sad and broken that it hurts his heart too. i hate is such a strong declaration, and something we teach our kids not to say or utilize in expression –

but they have been given a free pass to hate.

i cry everyday.

sometimes little bursts. sometimes an hour at a time. sometimes i just sit around in a stupor and ponder what i am even doing. i am beyond angry everyday.

i try to keep it contained and in perspective, but i am angry.

angry. angry. angry. angry. angry. angry. fucking angry.

i could not bear the idea of seeing a little baby casket being lowered into the ground. honestly, caskets of dead people decaying creep me out.

we decided to return her to ash and dust. but now when i think of it i wonder how that even made sense to me. when i think about the process of how it happens, i am mortified. either way was a lose lose situation.

but i couldn’t….

can’t she just be suspended in heavenly form and her body just become ethereal? have you ever had to pick out an urn?

for a baby?

yeah that is some fucked up shit. standing in this little cave of hatred and disgust, disbelief, and the whole time just saying – what the fuck?- picking out something that is going to be in your home to constantly remind you of the nightmare. yet you cannot dare to not have her close. have you ever had to sign a death certificate the same week you signed a birth certificate? yeah that is messed up. how the fuck is any of this actually real and happening?

my new normal is a fucked up version of me.

a version where right now i cannot do anything but think about it all the time. i cannot yet do much physically to help my mind be busy because it causes me too much physical pain the next day.

another reminder.

my body, ripped apart from the head to my uterus.

torn apart from surgery and angst. physiologically fucked up as i get milk coming in that should be going to my beautiful baby girl and is not. so i await it to go away. i had considered donating it, but the emotional pain was too much to continue. after all, we already gave away her organs. why do i need to give her milk away too. close to 7pm on sunday september 4th our daughter Archaea saved a life. her life was already given away, why do i need to give my milk too? i don’t.

i will maybe forever feel foreign in my own body, soul, heart.

she will be home with us soon.

i got the call.

i thought maybe i was doing better today, until i got the call. i remember now that this nightmare is not over. maybe never will be. the anger resurfaced (as if it was going away) and my sadness consumes me. i cried for a long while and could only apologize to Archaea that I failed her. yes that is the ultimate feeling i have.

i failed her, and there is nothing that can be done about it.

my job as a mother, and i couldn’t do it. – these things happen – that’s right, “it wasnt my fault” but you will never convince me of that.

Archaea Elore –

the Archeia is the female divinity of the Archangels. Elore is from my grandmother’s name Hannelore. A strong purposeful name, that evidently meant she was going to heaven to do her work there.

too awesome to be here on the earth. literally an angel with a purpose that i will never understand.

literally an angel. our butterfly baby. i love you