One step forward, two steps back

One month later and how do I feel…Have I gotten closer to the truth or further from what is real…I feel so much progression generally and regression specifically. In moments of space it is easily filled with the hopes doubtfully, and substantially its impact becomes harder to hold up, more straining to look up, more pressure to contain so it will inevitably abruptly erupt. More or less all up in your cup . is the cup half empty or half full.. Is the full filled with minds or minds full of static… Black and white intermingling noise generated from habit. It’s erratic and destined to its own path of channels that change, based on the programming to become familiar and yet it still feels so strange. The brain has kind of been rearranged and complains to the heart . Setting in motion the tearing apart of all the evidence built for the case of love being made and the components that make the defendant evade from the scene oblivious to its obscene behavior and pleading on the stand. It stands firm and demands the justice it had been searching for before . The glow wore , before it got brought back to the hearts court.

I fell in love today.

I fell in love today. It was this primal and raw kind of love that made me comfortable feeling raw and primal as a lioness. It was a beastly love of two wild animals that were silently chained together by the intertwining of desire for years at best. It was of urges and of seek and capture, prey of scents guiding the way of conquer from a long time quest. It gave way to passions of permitting a pathway to discovering the separation of love from lust.

I fell in love today. A silent and seductive yearning of the feminine in plain divine. A longing of lingering my hands through the strands of knowledge growing from the crown of time. A love so pure and withheld creating an inner tension of wishful and wistful combined. A touch of goddess and a touch of stone made me pulse for a censored exchange to be mine.

I fell in love today. Fully feeling the swing from the ever swaying pendulum. Full of fear and confidence in in the movement of loves ever present momentum. Full of logic and reason as well as wonder and imagination. Fully splitting the chances and choices of fantasy and life’s presentations. Fully appreciating the balancing required to see that the opposites are attracting me by desperate invitation.

I fell in love today. Given that at the beginning it was a love of projection and intent. Given that there was barely a truth to the verbal exultation to which love could proclaim or present. Given to me a truth that parted the thickness of the fog that the emotional storms could invent. Given to me was the clarity and unobstructed interpretation of where the looking glass was offering a purity to reflect.

I fell in love today. In the search for the heavenly the darkness was expunged. In the journey of the healing, the pain wanted to cling on from the lack of nurturing from the time of young. In the exposition of redefining love, the resuming doubt and contrition wanted to be the heroes unsung. In the face of fear, love came to the forefront with a ferocity to never be undone.

I fell in love today. Love was given a chance to speak its case. Love was showing up regardless of how far it was shipped off or put down or displaced. Love gave itself a manifestation in every physical, spiritual, and mental embrace. Love dangled its limbs out in the storm, held onto the winds wailing and gusting threats of creating malaise. Love stared directly at the depths of doubt’s twisted shroud and veil, bringing to the light of love….. my face.

intimacy and infidelity

Intimacy… I’m not sure it means to you what it means to me… intimately… the sharing of my most inner and darkest parts of me… infidelity… I suppose we will see it differently…

intimacy… giving only to you, what others long to see… intimately… expressions of love only given to me…. infidelity… I was not the intended choice, just present company…

Intimacy… where I feel your soul as deep as you penetrate me… intimately… thinking, longing for only me … infidelity… wishing it was her instead of my lips you see…

Intimacy … when our spirits combine to become one energy … intimately… the belief within that we understand our connectivity… infidelity… when one week prior, to her declaring your desire, then claiming love for me…

I gave you me. Don’t mistake my love pouring outwardly as a statement of any weakness or inability to live with hope for intimacy while waiting for the infidelity….


i woke up hungry with gratitude, i wasnt sure where the serving had come from but i knew it needed to be part of my new food group. i want to cut it down piece by piece and observe it. and savor it. and make it digest and become part of my everyday mood.

i want my attitude to reflect that of my gratefulness. i want it to show that even though i have been put down again and again i will rise up above this mess. like i always do when considering you. when considering it all really, ive been through.

a fall from so high that you shouldnt probably survive. but i did. i ve fallen more times than i care to count like literally, when i was a kid i fell from 30ft, 3 stories high.. and i fell down on to my back and it may have been something i should have died from, but i didnt. it was all ok. a scratch and a bruise and after  a hospital trip, i walked away.

it just goes to show that each and everyday there must be some kind of angel circling around me, guiding my steps and saying it is ok to fly. but sometimes i dive in too far too fast. and all that gratitude and gratefulness takes backseat, doesnt get the vip pass, and it wanders around kicking its little feet dragging behind me behind my ungrateful ass.

and every once in a while i will look back over my shoulder and remeber what it was i was grateful for and i’ll take a smile. and that gratitude comes back again. even though it was stuffed so far down within and so far down deep because the energy it takes to muster up that thankfulnes from the atrocities of your  life’s tragedies, you forget about bliss.

youre dark youre desolate and your life is in danger. and you give up a little bit. but you reach out a little bit. and then here comes some love in the form of a stranger. who reaches out a hand of hope, compassion and understanding , but not understanding why just knowing they think that you might be worthwhile in this life and they want to hold you close so that you can see it too ya you know where they say they hold you  so tight its like glue? putting you back, pieces together its true. sister it’s true, brother let me tell you

i can weather it no matter the storm now ive seen it all ive been through the worst. but this love that has come up through me makes me feel like im first. makes me feel like im in charge , like im the one who belongs like im the one who is strong. like i am the one who can keep going on and i do and i look at all the faces of you and i think you have been there for me and i will be there for you and you and you and you have kept me going and your love encapsulates me and keeps that little light of hope glowing

and i am thankful again i am grateful again i am hopeful within and that is because of you and your love and the attitude will become my daily food. and I will eat and I will consume and nourish back to you, love



ah there it is. that emotion. so familiar. never too far gone to be missed. not like the way i miss you.

my kids keep asking me to set up a tree, set up some lights…they dont know that i think about doing just that every single night. my daughter begs me to just at least set up the lights strings, she doesnt know the kind of complex pain that idea brings. see these are the things that are supposed to be cozy, supposed to be heartwearming, singing  the kinds of songs that are inviting and charming. but not entirely to me, it all is alarming.

see they dont know that if i allowed this to take place, then my honor, my disposition would be a disgrace, erase the meaning of taking  a side so to speak, leave me feeling feeble and meek, and not to the definition this  season implies by festive speech. not to the implicative and traditonal form that i used to preach. back before i was, we were given a breech in the   trust, now a questioning of beliefs and integrations of those traditions is a must and back to those harkening heralds make my heart bust.

in my previous belief system, christ was with man and man was with him, gather around together and sing the worshippings and the hymns, circle around and give prayer for those in need and expecting that the “good Lord” will hear the good deed, and we look to the sky and we look to the churches to help our broken hearted get out of the lurches, but its those very same preachers and prayers that are giving the heart up for purchase.

my heart was paid for they say, but they dont say how much i actually paid for my beliefs that day, when i had to put my head to the floor and give everything in my soul to believe and to pray, to let the words whispser out of my mouth, let thy will be the way… oh i did pay… that inglorius play that i had to play a part in starring as my own character, wacthing myself become the worlds worst mother, listening to him say that he will take the other.

so now back to the season of hope and of healing and all that i see are the backs of my eyelids peeling as i try to peel back my pain and judgment of all that i see and hear, when it is the time for me to hold the “lord” near. and i know there are other meanings to this time, but for me it was the only celebration that had brought a semblance of mind and the hopes and trusts of this world and his to combine are now falling as fast as the snowflakes dissapating near the roadside. and now to the glimmering lights of silver and gold i am blind.

but i beg to see. i beg to feel good, feel better,  feel all the love that i should from my creator, from the master of love and hope maker. but if i gave into that then i would be a traitor, because it was me that he asked to trade for her, it was me, he asked to keep my life over hers for. so if i go about the world, singing of joy to every boy and girl, then i am forced to remember, that my little girl is an angel forever, he became a demandor, and that is not something that i can choose to be a worshipper of and play my used to be love and master christmas, life decorator,.

my name

the thing is that i don’t really know, ya know? i just kinda sit back and let it all flow, let it all roll, down my thick slick skin like a hippo in its oil, chilling out, not worrying about the recoil from any thing that was said or even implied. i lied.

at least that is not what my heart says to do. it says to turn around and say, fuck you. it says turn around and end this abuse. the misuse of my heart is so easily acceptable by myself when myself is feeling a little mentally untrustable. is it un or is it able?

waning i make my way to a table of cards that you dealt i pull up a chair. it’s fragile and broken, in need of repair. and it is so easy to observe, relentless, absurd how much the seat of which i sit reflects now for me to see what i always have heard.

fuck you.

alright i wont say it again, but sometimes these words are the only ones that can begin to describe the amount of energy it takes to contain all the chaos and darkness that consumes this supposed brain, when i have to refrain from explaining to you the actual you.

you say what you need to, say what you must… but the persistence and insulting insistence makes me inwardly combust. it’s all unjust, emotional dusting and spiritual stifling, remaining too long, but now i am strong,

and strength is my name, literally, everyday of my life i have been fighting for something figuratively, but also fighting for life every day positively and truly, seeking out the higher truths which have led me back to a bit of my characteristic youth.

and has led me back to explain something deeply about me to you. it’s not all about what you did to me or what i didn’t do, its not about the twisted result how with myself i am repulsed when i should have been upheld., held up,

hold up, no no no,

it’s about how i let me slip away how i fell into the silence game, how i gave away the meaning of my name, and redefined over time. reimplied whom it is i was supposed to be, yet here i am rediscovering that me is a she who is fine and able. she is learning to cast shadows to those uns and shine light on the ables…

fuck yes. i am stable.

i am labeling a path, “now mine to take.” and im sorry for the pain youve endured on behalf of my mistakes. it wasnt me. or i know some was, but im getting the impression that i am better than i was, but now with a voice. and a desire to voice it, tell my truth, whatever that is. no matter the consequences.

and i realize that not all energies, with mine, will form alliances… i realize that it doesn’t change the fate of my future intolerances. oh the dancing of chances and the passing of glances….

i am now learning i was good but i was quiet and withdrawn, those are for reasons that could take days to go on, wanted to speak, but i never did. like i was a kid whose voice was heard but not really.

so, really, now, i am hoping that i will, now i can, i am trying, no longer trying to cling to a life where it is all about self silencing, that self sabotaging route needs to step out of the way, because im here, to reclaim this day,

for me, strength is to remember my name

write about it

write about her, write about him, write about you, write about them. write to survive the night against the demons with whom to contend. write about courage, write about fear, write about speaking, write what there is to hear. write to forget that fervently it is wished for love to be near. write of the struggle, write of the tests, write of the secrets, write of which has been confessed. write to remember the moments that develop and your existence is blessed. write to create emotion, write to silence a crowd, write to give a voice to the quiet, write to soften the loud. write to stroke the ego of the philospohically proud. write about lust, write about restraint, write about temptation, write about the saint. write about the euphoric imagery two bodies create. write about despair, write about loss, write about hope, write about progress. write of the lengths and the turns of the healing process. write about light, write of the glimmer, write of the vibrations, write of a hearts shimmer. write of the fight that goes on to shine within her.

Hold my story

Share your story here… what is it that you want to say? Share your story, hear what it is that You wish to convey. Share your story here and watch as the words come across the screen and etch in your memory’s day. Share your story here? Naw, that was just generality, a formality, these ears are only for display.

Share your story to the ears that hear and appear to be near and reach hard to be clear , reach hard to be heard, to be audible…. share with the crowd that is generous and emotionally malleable., …. share your story with those that ask you about the scars in your heart, about the walls that you’ve built, the depths of your soul… share with the one who will yearn for your story to be told…. like their favorite book, close to the heart, that they hold…


Is it already this day, two days before the day after tomorrow… another one of those days harrowing of sorrow… reflecting back and I recollect the beginning of the hollow.

The tunnel had been dug, been digging since the sunset dimmed, removing the foundation making flooring bend… impossible to stay stable, unable with the ground sinking in.

The reality starts to halt, the words just months before delivered, unfaltering unwavering no tremble or quiver… are no longer sourced as Love from who they were whispered.

I’ve been here before, the cycle starts turning and hits a kink in the chain… so much is familiar and yet it has an equivocal exchange … it was all raised and laid out with no grasp to remain.

It is already this day, the day before the day that comes after tomorrow… the proclamation set and yet now blame follows… such a sad reflection of the projection, once again, wilted by sorrow.

Fallen, forgotten

If I have fallen, I will not chase. I will stand up and and walk out of this place, this space that I held so sacredly, so emphatically I expressed the importance of why I impressed the boundaries… and yet the ecstasy stole away from me a reality that I am yearning to live, my behavior and mind beyond obsessive, not allowing myself to breathe I move on I push on looking for relief, and I give… I gave into the message that was continually delivered , words that were read and audio crisply heard, pictures being formed and hopes painted , of course I knew the truth would soon taint it, repaint it with a clearer version of the uncoverable mess, the crystal clear lining providing nothing left, nothing less, nothing more than a moment in fantasy slipping away from me and reminding the ache that it has never been too far from me, I let it slip away and be switched for bliss , I let it slip away, let love be on the lips…I kissed hope too close and broke it into pieces, it is part of the process, acceptance of what it is, but what it is now, has me remembering that with pain, it usually comes from loving out loud