I feel vibrations on the ground and tires trembling over the earth. With each rotation and gripping of the rubber onto the gravel, my breath subsides. I track the volume and duration of travel. Little bits of hope escaping the stronghold of knowing better and disappointment. Breathe again. Now I hear nothingness. Hope remembers this feeling and falls away fast.
Among all the other shifts, I could feel this one floating about my essence. Taunting, in its own subtle form, only offering enough aloofness to keep my instincts peaking. It could have been that a friend gave the plain prophecy or rather New Years resolution in disguise. He knew I knew., but to know, and breathe the actual thickness of the air where it should be light and brisk… that is the knowledge. also, the knowledge to come.
A few deep personal issues have come to a head the last week and it was expected. I felt ironic that the timing of what I spoke about months ago have taken place in my observation within such the time frame and now I am facing many things full face.
I have seen my face in the reflection in each person I have encountered and applied some form of judgment on. It is simply amazing how much the judgement I don’t actually pass on others gets absorbed by my own interpretation of who I am. I take in all these assumptions and let the direction of opinion be stewarding.
Now after have been going through some life changing moments recently, I observe that there is a new beginning. It’s esoteric but timely and is most assuredly described as cliche
the free resolution turned my faded goal of yesteryear back in toward my interrogation of self and scrutinized the very thing I keep running into. Blame. And in the process of finding happiness in the midst of darkness I keep pulling the cloak further over the progress.
Entering the new year was to represent another day. Another chance to show who I am, despite how I think I am turning into one crazy deluded woman on a mission to understand pain.
Entering the new year was to be a breath of fresh and ready filled air. Oxygenated with aspirations and inspirations.
I did not anticipate having to exit the end of the year watching what I do not have. Nor did I even come close to anticipating that to bring in the new year I’d once again be breathing the heavy air that holds my body down to the seat so that it doesn’t rudder away with the speed of which my heart beats.
But I was thankful for the company that I was blessed with. It leveled my heart just enough so I could see and have the knowledge that now I know, it is time to focus on intentional healing. Even in the pain that lingered from precious and previous days, there was a love holding my understanding or at least holding enough of me so that I felt secure enough to express my dualities of existence in the previously mentioned experiences.
Entering into the new year has provided ample opportunities to utilize the information gathered through last. It is an energy that is a risen vibration, waiting to be tapped into. Human conditions are fighting just as strong to be in charge and I am in the sense of feeling astral.
I can only hope that more of us will continue to heed the purity of instinct, deliverance or receiving the messages. Internal work. Eternal work.
I feel alone. I feel like the only one sitting here in this throne. Emptiness for accompaniment. Sadness in this establishment. Housing big servings of feelings that are only mine to digest. Pulling my chair up to an unoccupied table. Feeling like instead of in my kingdom, I am eating from the stables. Being fed bullshit enough to get my belly full. Then I feel uncomfortable. I realize that I am not being fulfilled, this has become illogical. Magical time and show is over. I need to be held onto forever. Or at least when it’s clever to show that the care is as deep as said. More than text messages and weekend dates in bed. More than hey this is what I did today, more like, I need you in my life, how is your heart, baby? Me, I’m crying inside I’m crying outside, Im feeling like it’s the pride that keeps me from dying. Again with the crying. I wish I didn’t feel so alone in my mind. Especially when I share it so openly. I give my thoughts over to help you see me accordingly. See me so that my heart feels your love for me. But I don’t feel that. I feel pushed, slightly. Away is not quite right, but averted from deepening. Lonesome reasoning.
To be told I’m loved. Even if it’s late.
To be told I’m loved. Even if it’s early.
To be told I’m loved. Even if I know it.
To be told I’m loved. Especially before I sleep.
To be told I’m loved. Especially when I am sad.
To be told I’m loved. Especially when I’m being difficult.
To be told I’m loved. Every time I’m full of doubt.
To be told I’m loved. Every time I want to run away.
To be told I’m loved. Every time I feel distant.
To be told I’m loved. Proved by desired time talking.
To be told I’m loved. Proved by asking me to be near.
To be told I’m loved. Proved by asking about my heart.
To be told I’m loved. Providing a safe space for my healing.
To be told I’m loved. Providing open ears to hear my feelings.
To be told I’m loved. Providing a vision of love without fear.
To be told I’m loved. Desire to share time and energy.
To be told I’m loved. Desire to learn more and connecting deeply.
To be told I’m loved. Desire to know and inquire my mind.
To be told I’m loved. Devotion of kindness and empathy for my pain.
To be told I’m loved. Devotion of priority to reflect affections.
To be told I’m loved. Devotion to my being, because of love, only love.
thin top, skin line, just reaching the surface of whats on my mind. only briefly brushing on topic offering a skimp of your time. continually trying. often defying what it is that i have been relentlessly defining. implying that satisfaction is just as fleeting as fashion always pulling a distraction from anything factual. just enough to impress on as emotional yet not contractual. cannot commit to the thick of it. just enough to soften the rough bit, bitten from the tip, leaving behind all that is really underlying, the depth of the call, the start of the fall. Falling deeper into the crevasse of desire, wanting the soul to be the subject to inquire. Passionately engulfed by the fire, staying upright on the high wire of presenting face while Love is locking into a dangerous place. Shallow pools still aren’t safe. How do you grab a life jacket when it’s material is lace. Not able to withstand any extenuating circumstances that require a longer observance than the effortless sideways glances. And still yet entranced with the chance that change is in the future plan. A stand for the grand entrance into the meaning of soul. A vibration to visually uphold and come closer to listen as its story begins to unfold. Uncreasing each layer from warm center to the extended edge’s cold. Examining the veins trenches as it’s red carpet unrolls. Pouring along the outline in shades of burgundy . Like truth spilling out as it was intended to be. Still exploring the vast and the void that is stored inside, showing off that it’s only crime is draining personal depth to honor its pride. Back behind the sheer curtains and passing connectivity aside.