I can’t stop and it’s twisting up my head. It spills, stains my brain and makes my view full of lead. I see only nothingness as the target in my chest has been washed over as unimpressive, unimportant. It must be an imported goal, complete with unidentifiable instructions leaving a hole where it was intended to be whole. Gaping, kind of oozing from a wound that is nothing short of self abusing as I sit here expecting or even hoping for the perusing of such words I have put out to be read. Most likely taking risks of it being misinterpreted. Although that would be welcomed moreover than any false hope, and following paths that keep my interests broke. The trigger that pulled the gun of loves infliction now has chambered echoes of bottled indignation. Insulting the very beginning of held out foundational building. I keep building. Seeing with a blind intuition and leading myself into clear confusion. Seeing what’s not there, but knowing it is. Giving bits of fresh air but those breaths are short lived when I see the amount of time and space afforded to something stealing away, causing priorital decay, pushing the interests further away. With that, stay. Stay there in that example of complexity, in that world of feeling not quite wrong but rightly denying the subtle intensity. I see. It should be me, maybe too clearly I see. Maybe too clearly i just want to be seen, a scene hard to turn away from. And now, killing me, I play along, willingly. I want the heart, the soul, the brain to be freedom.
one
just a pretty girl.
And then I realized, I am one of those pretty girls. I saw that there was no difference between those others and myself. See at first I thought I was less than them. I thought that I was nowhere near the bar they had set. I don’t have those skills. I don’t have that body. I don’t have that status. There is no way that I could ever be that.
And then I realized that I am one of those pretty girls. I saw that there was no difference between how you see them and how you see me. See at first, I thought I was more than them. I thought that I must have set the bar higher. I have admirable skills. I have a body that you crave. I have an aura about my status. There is no way they could ever be like me.
And then I realized that I am one of those pretty girls. I saw that perhaps there was no differentiation between the lust for those and the accessibilty to me. See at first I thought that I was chosen over them, but maybe I was just settled for. I have some more than excellent skills that make you shake, but maybe if they gave the time, youd exprience the same from them. I have a body that when your eyes are closed, you slip into as though maybe it is one of them you are thinking about. I have a status that says I want love and will take it if it seems as though maybe you want to love me, because they are taken or live too far away. There is no way that you would pass up on them because they are much more than me.
And then I realized that maybe I am just a pretty girl.
Into
I want your hands to run through my hair and pull me down on to you.. I want your grip to wrap around my hips and it becomes me that you are into. I want you to pulse inside of my body so deeply, it makes the state of the earth spin tremblingly. I want the force of our friction to create a burning fire of affection and there is not a department to call that could quench this explosion. I want to fill your eyes so full of adoration and evocation that the visions you see are only of me and I am your only destination. And when your hands become one with my back and run down the curves of my soul and fill the cracks of my heart, I’m so full of your body I can’t feel anything other than you inside me. All of me with the fullness of all of you… reverberate over and again .. deep within.
gratitude
i woke up hungry with gratitude, i wasnt sure where the serving had come from but i knew it needed to be part of my new food group. i want to cut it down piece by piece and observe it. and savor it. and make it digest and become part of my everyday mood.
i want my attitude to reflect that of my gratefulness. i want it to show that even though i have been put down again and again i will rise up above this mess. like i always do when considering you. when considering it all really, ive been through.
a fall from so high that you shouldnt probably survive. but i did. i ve fallen more times than i care to count like literally, when i was a kid i fell from 30ft, 3 stories high.. and i fell down on to my back and it may have been something i should have died from, but i didnt. it was all ok. a scratch and a bruise and after a hospital trip, i walked away.
it just goes to show that each and everyday there must be some kind of angel circling around me, guiding my steps and saying it is ok to fly. but sometimes i dive in too far too fast. and all that gratitude and gratefulness takes backseat, doesnt get the vip pass, and it wanders around kicking its little feet dragging behind me behind my ungrateful ass.
and every once in a while i will look back over my shoulder and remeber what it was i was grateful for and i’ll take a smile. and that gratitude comes back again. even though it was stuffed so far down within and so far down deep because the energy it takes to muster up that thankfulnes from the atrocities of your life’s tragedies, you forget about bliss.
youre dark youre desolate and your life is in danger. and you give up a little bit. but you reach out a little bit. and then here comes some love in the form of a stranger. who reaches out a hand of hope, compassion and understanding , but not understanding why just knowing they think that you might be worthwhile in this life and they want to hold you close so that you can see it too ya you know where they say they hold you so tight its like glue? putting you back, pieces together its true. sister it’s true, brother let me tell you
i can weather it no matter the storm now ive seen it all ive been through the worst. but this love that has come up through me makes me feel like im first. makes me feel like im in charge , like im the one who belongs like im the one who is strong. like i am the one who can keep going on and i do and i look at all the faces of you and i think you have been there for me and i will be there for you and you and you and you have kept me going and your love encapsulates me and keeps that little light of hope glowing
and i am thankful again i am grateful again i am hopeful within and that is because of you and your love and the attitude will become my daily food. and I will eat and I will consume and nourish back to you, love
still screaming, silently
We just go on day by day. Well, I mean, you do. You think I do. You see me in the “everday,” so I must be going on too. Moving on. Every one just moves on. So typical. I am in no way judging, it just is what it is….
But today was like it was just yesterday.
To me, it was just yesterday.
How could it not be?
Sometimes I think it gets harder. There are so many expectations of me, and now more.
I just cant even imagine…. could you expect this of yourself?
I have a plan or rather a goal, but I have to reset this goal every day because each day it amounts to a pressure that breaks me down. Again, I have to rebuild.
This just happened yesterday because I have to live it every day. Each day I wake up, and all three of my earthside children wake up, I, remember the one who never woke up…..
Insult to Injury
there are certain words you just don’t say
there are certain games that you just dont play
but when i say you i mean me
and the insult to injury continues, ensues, all casually
how do you recover from blatant disregard
how do you regain love into a slaughtered heart
will you, i mean,
and when i say you, i mean me,
and the insult to injury continues peruses, subtly
it is crazy to me that this is the belief
it is absurd to me to think this is relief
when i say me i mean me but why not you
and the insult to injury continues, second naturedly
who does that to someone you care about
who thinks that about someone you can’t live without
when i say who i mean me but also you
and the insult to injury stings, opening wounds liberally
most would agree if they saw it all
most might see the story so tall
and by they i mean social society
and the insult to injury stacks opinions digitally
does it all pan out and make sense to you
does it seem just a little bit off from my view
and by you i mean you, the real true you
and the insult to injury projects new avenues
second to numb
I haven’t slept much.
My mind seems to overindulge in the hyper analytics .
It appears as though I am my own worst critic.
I don’t have any trust.
The image that was first drawn became smudged out by reality.
never before had there been such heart striking fatality.
The future is stuck.
Struck down and held low in despair
Struggling for breath in loves thick and suffering air
Much too deep of a cut.
No bandaids will hold this compounding fracture
no longer can it all save face and straight stature
No longer whatever it was.
I’ve become an advocate of Stoicism for sanity , a binding pressure to create a custom built identity
Crumbling from shock’s touch.
Tremors of half way thoughts and troubling perspectives
Questioning the quest and the pursuit of objectives
Reclamation is a must.
I’m trying not to be intimidated by myself to be me, allowing a freedom that will course its mark eventually.
I have become increasingly numb.
one.week
12 hours from now it’ll be one week.
One week since the worst day of my life.
One week since I literally lost a piece of me.
One week since my old world stopped and the messed up version of my world started. One week since my heart died.
One week since I began thinking God doesn’t care.
One week since I’ve started hating everything I don’t have.
One week of pure torture within my soul.
One week that has included comments from random people that rip me apart.
One week that is revisited minute by minute by visions of horror over and again, reliving it over and again.
One week since I felt the warmth of her precious belly.
One week since I could put her little hand in mine.
One week since I could smell her, kiss her, hold her.
One week since I gave up on miracles.
One week since prayer might not matter.
One week since I could apologize to her.
One week of searching for her.
One week of desperately wanting to go back in time.
One week of hell. One week of wanting to disappear.
One week of anger.
One week of sadness.
One week of loving my husband more than I knew I could.
One week of anguish.
One week.
