I feel vibrations on the ground and tires trembling over the earth. With each rotation and gripping of the rubber onto the gravel, my breath subsides. I track the volume and duration of travel. Little bits of hope escaping the stronghold of knowing better and disappointment. Breathe again. Now I hear nothingness. Hope remembers this feeling and falls away fast.
Among all the other shifts, I could feel this one floating about my essence. Taunting, in its own subtle form, only offering enough aloofness to keep my instincts peaking. It could have been that a friend gave the plain prophecy or rather New Years resolution in disguise. He knew I knew., but to know, and breathe the actual thickness of the air where it should be light and brisk… that is the knowledge. also, the knowledge to come.
A few deep personal issues have come to a head the last week and it was expected. I felt ironic that the timing of what I spoke about months ago have taken place in my observation within such the time frame and now I am facing many things full face.
I have seen my face in the reflection in each person I have encountered and applied some form of judgment on. It is simply amazing how much the judgement I don’t actually pass on others gets absorbed by my own interpretation of who I am. I take in all these assumptions and let the direction of opinion be stewarding.
Now after have been going through some life changing moments recently, I observe that there is a new beginning. It’s esoteric but timely and is most assuredly described as cliche
the free resolution turned my faded goal of yesteryear back in toward my interrogation of self and scrutinized the very thing I keep running into. Blame. And in the process of finding happiness in the midst of darkness I keep pulling the cloak further over the progress.
Entering the new year was to represent another day. Another chance to show who I am, despite how I think I am turning into one crazy deluded woman on a mission to understand pain.
Entering the new year was to be a breath of fresh and ready filled air. Oxygenated with aspirations and inspirations.
I did not anticipate having to exit the end of the year watching what I do not have. Nor did I even come close to anticipating that to bring in the new year I’d once again be breathing the heavy air that holds my body down to the seat so that it doesn’t rudder away with the speed of which my heart beats.
But I was thankful for the company that I was blessed with. It leveled my heart just enough so I could see and have the knowledge that now I know, it is time to focus on intentional healing. Even in the pain that lingered from precious and previous days, there was a love holding my understanding or at least holding enough of me so that I felt secure enough to express my dualities of existence in the previously mentioned experiences.
Entering into the new year has provided ample opportunities to utilize the information gathered through last. It is an energy that is a risen vibration, waiting to be tapped into. Human conditions are fighting just as strong to be in charge and I am in the sense of feeling astral.
I can only hope that more of us will continue to heed the purity of instinct, deliverance or receiving the messages. Internal work. Eternal work.
At a steadfast pace in this existential race, I’m ever wandering on a path that steadily, is being erased.. I jog along trying to keep next to my mate, but that map is quickly being misplaced. It’s in the plan to exacerbate, forget to mediate and just begin to elaborate like my ears are a fresh slate.
I’m needing to medicate and replate this dish thats been served at my table. The one that has a misleading label. It comes with a menu that is written in fables. Words so smoothly ejected that they make your understanding feel disabled.
Without the able.
Locked in a stable and stuffed in a cradle to be kept at bay, while all the nay sayers neigh, and display the inability to articulate the right thing to say. It all comes out in disarray.
Today. Not today. Someday. Some way.
Weighing the past to the future while missing the present, the reality being filtered by resent. The distance growing rapidly by coupled dissent.
I indent my paragraphs to acknowledge priority of speech. I use this avenue to release.
I am incarcerated by your freedom of speech, and the twisted justice has my faith impeached. My body beached. Floundering in the chaos and fleek. Flock, forgoing the family flight. Standing still while watching lies pass me by, reeling from plight or a lack thereof. If there was pride from the guide, there would have been love.
In one week I will be trying to honor Archaea on her day of birth….
In one week I will be trying to keep it together for her brothers and sister, so they too can honor her, if they so choose….
In one week I will be desparately clinging to anything I can find holding some semblance of peace or love…
In one week I will be reliving last year (as if I don’t daily) mentally over and over again….
In one week I will no doubt be overwhelmed and dissatisfied on how I chose to honor her should have been 1 year birthday…..
In one week the day that has been trudging through my mind over and over will whirl away as fast as I can think of it…..
In one week I will be so terribly sad and trying terribly to get the “should have beens” out of my mind….
In one week I will be devastated and horrified that we will not be honoring this time together as a family….
In all the days that have been passing as this day approaches I have been learning….
In all these days leading up, I have been preparing….
In all these days coming through I have passed through with them again desperately trying to find the love and hold that….
In all these days I have battled to do so….
In all these days I am learning to honor Archaea I am also wondering what that even means….
On this day I have broke down more times than I care to admit…
On this day I have been more angry than recent…
On this day I saw how much my children love me regardless of my anger…
On this day I realized that there was more of me that could still be broken, since the day he said goodbye ….
On this day I saw that I am certain I may never heal from this beyond brokeness…
On this day I decided that this process is my way of honoring her and that is raw…
In this moment I am lost, but still looking for a compass